About Me

I'm a 31 year-old newly minted attorney, and my problems with drinking began about ten years ago in college, mostly limited to binge drinking on the weekends. However, blackouts were not uncommon. The pattern was similar to this for the next several years, but my drinking steadily increased. I began drinking alone at some point around my junior year in college. The amounts were unpredictable.

In law school, things began to get worse more quickly. I'd say about 90% of the time everything went well, even if I blacked out, but that other 10% always worried me. Again, I never knew how it would end up. I began going on benders about once every two months or so. I also discovered the morning drink and withdrawal symptoms.

Two years ago, during the summer between classes, I was drinking daily like it was my job. I'm pretty sure I drank all day every day for three months. I developed a system. 375ml of rum or vodka was just about perfect for an evening.

That was the system for a while until I started going on more frequent benders and it began to interfere with my life. I checked into rehab in January of this year to try to put a stop to what I saw was a losing battle. I made it four months clean, and have been on and off the wagon ever since. I've been through sober living houses and AA, and I'm not at the same level I was late last year, but it's also not under control. I'd say it's closer to 95% of the time things go fine now, but I still drink too much.

I've been skeptical of AA's approach for quite some time. The lack of success and the lack of science has always bothered me, along with some questions no one can answer convincingly:

1. Why is this the only mental illness that requires a "spiritual" remedy? Depression doesn't require this, it requires medication and counseling or other forms of treatment. If I'm depressed, will working "steps" fix me?

2. Why is this the only "allergy" that requires a "spiritual" remedy? Since I'm allergic to cats, is it because I'm spiritually bankrupt?

3. Why is AA the ONLY way to treat this "disease"? Depression, cancer, etc. have many different forms of treatment. Every disease has multiple forms of treatment.

TSM makes sense to me on a fundamental level. To paraphrase Dr. Sinclair: "There are no immoral lab rats." I now understand the science behind why AA doesn't work very well and why long-term AA members relapse and why they relapse so hard.

For me, if anything, it's science that will save my soul.