Day Thirty Four

I felt pretty good this morning. I will admit that I'm looking forward to drinking tonight, and I think I'll be drinking vodka, but may not start until a bit later, as I have some songs to work on tonight.

I feel like I've seen steady improvement in social situations, but when drinking alone, it is still very difficult to judge what my consumption will be.

Day Thirty Three

This morning's plans fell through, but I was dead tired anyway. I took care of the dog and went back to sleep until about 13:00. I went out and bought three 24oz beers. I drank one, and then switched over to wine and finished up the last half-bottle I had. I then drank one of the remaining beers. My memory of going to bed is fuzzy, but I took the other beer with me. I'm not sure if I drank it or not; I'll check later.

My records are very spotty for the past ten days or so. I NEED to be keeping better track of all this.

Day Thirty Two

I bought three bottle of wine today. I drank half of one on my own before going over to a party on a different dock. I took a bottle with me, which I finished off quickly. Needing to attend to the dog, he and I went home and I drank a couple of beers before bed, knowing I had to get up early the next day.

Day Thirty One

I felt awful this morning. Still drunk and dead tired. I got up and took care of the dog, but I took the day off work and slept most of the day. I took the boat out from 18:00 to about 21:15, so I got started late. I drank most of a pint of vodka and went to bed late.

Days Twenty Eight, Twenty Nine, Thirty

Day Twenty Eight


Unfortunately, keeping up with the new dog, I don't really recall my behavior today. I didn't keep track of anything, but I believe I drank the standard pint of vodka this evening. I have to update this blog more often and keep better track of my intake.

Day Twenty Nine


I had band practice this evening until late, so I didn't have much opportunity to drink. I drank one beer at band practice while not on Nal. I took my Nal after practice and drank a couple of beers before bed, if I recall correctly.

Day Thirty


I drank most of a 375ml bottle, leaving maybe one shot left and I believe I had a few beers. I know I went a bit overboard because I felt awful the next morning.

Day Twenty Seven

I had to take the little guy to the vet today to have a couple of teeth pulled. they were worried that he wouldn't make it through the anesthesia because he's still very thin from being in the shelter. I'm really attached to the little guy, so it really stressed me out. But I knew I couldn't drink because I'd have to take care of him later, so I went for a boat ride instead.

They finally called and said he was doing just fine. I picked him up in the evening and had to leave him alone for the first time for an appointment I had. After I got back, I had two glasses of wine before bed.

Day Twenty Six

Today, I had two beers in the early afternoon and took the little guy out for a boat ride. I ended up at yet another party where I had a glass of wine. I tossed my plastic cup in the trash, but still wanted another glass. Because this is a party group, I just drank a couple of mouthfuls straight from the bottle. Interesting behavior, I think. I felt a little ill right after doing that, though, so I probably pushed it a little. I didn't get hazy or anything tonight, and I had half a 24oz beer when I got home.

Day Twenty Five

First full day with the new dog. Everyone loves him around here. I took him in the little boat over to a party after having three beers at home. At the party, I had one beer. When I got home about two hours later, I had two beers before going to bed. All this was over about a five hour period. I felt completely in control the whole time. This little guy is definitely helping me out already.

Day Twenty Four

I woke up dead tired today from being out so late last night. I took a half day at work and went home and had one beer. I ended up going to the Humane Society and adopting a dog today. I feel like I need some more responsibility in my life, and this little guy will help with that. I feel like I'm at a point now where I'm capable of taking care of something other than myself.

I had a few beers after I brought the little guy home and got a little hazy, which scared me a bit. Now that I have this guy to take care of, I need to be more careful about drinking heavily.

Day Twenty Three

Had band rehearsal tonight and ended up going to a bar for jam night afterward. I had two beers and three pints of Guinness over about a five hour period.

Day Twenty Two

Last night I had one beer before bed after coming home. I feel a little tired this morning, but otherwise OK.

Day Twenty One

I woke up this morning exceptionally tired. My business partner is out sick, so I decided to catch another couple of hours of sleep. I was feeling a bit anxious, so I drank one beer this morning at 800AM. This is abnormal behavior for me, and I didn't have time to take a Nal.

The effect was that I was able to go back to sleep for about 90 minutes, which was refreshing. I have felt "off" again today, but much better after lunch. I did take a 45 minute nap at the office, which I just woke up from and I feel much better.

I find myself being exceptionally tired these days and sleeping much more than I should. I don't know if it's an effect of a return to heavy drinking, the Nal, or a combination of both. I suspect the third. I have an event tonight with people that don't drink, so my time for consumption when I return home will be limited. Hopefully, I can keep consumption to a minimum, but the limited time means I may be more inclined to reach for some hard liquor to speed the process.

Day Twenty

I slept restlessly last night, but it was due to feeling ill in a way not related to alcohol consumption. Even so, I feel fine today, if a little run down. I don't know what my plans are for drinking tonight because I have a social event tomorrow night that I've been looking forward to and I want to be in the best shape possible.

I ended up with my usual pint of vodka last night, which I finished along with three beers. I started at around 1700, and I was able to get to bed relatively early. I was texting back and forth with a friend and remember all of the conversation, but was definitely more uninhibited when talking, maybe a bit too much, but no harm was done. I went to bed around 2230 if my memory serves me correctly.

Day Nineteen

I slept in today a little as well, but I still felt "off." I had plans to take the boat out today, as well, but I called to cancel, blaming the weather. Instead, my friends and I would have a barbecue. First thing, I went to the car to get a Nal so I could have a couple of beers in the middle of the day because the feeling from the day before was still lingering.

At the barbecue, I had 3.5 beers over five hours and maintained complete control. It was all I felt like, and held onto the last one until it was too warm and flat to drink, so I poured it out.

Day Eighteen

I had friends coming over to the boat this evening for a sail. I slept in and felt fairly OK when I woke up later in the morning. I ate immediately upon waking up, which is abnormal for me. I took a Nal and ran some errands for supplies after I cleaned up the boat. When I got back, I had one beer before my friends came over.

However, I began to feel very strange physically. I felt a constant low-level panic attack most of the day, even after taking two Neurontin, which usually helps quell this feeling after a binge. Thankfully, the wind came up to a level that was more than I thought safe for a newbie crew, so I told them we would wait and see what the weather would do, which I thought would buy some time to drink off the anxiety and find more food.

After three beers and a shot of tequila and something to eat, about three hours later I felt well enough to take the boat out, but I was definitely not operating at 100%. I was concerned the whole time on the water that a panic attack would hit, and felt extremely tired.

After we returned and my friends left, I wanted to kill this feeling, so I took down the last 1/4 of a pint of vodka I had and two beers. I was able to go to sleep shortly after that.

Day Seventeen

Exceptionally tired that morning. Began drinking early in the evening before going over to a party. My recollections of just about everything are hazy. I think everything went okay, as I do remember talking to the neighbors for a few minutes before getting home and watching the lightning storm later in the evening. I have no idea what my consumption has been this week. I have been very bad at keeping track.

Day Sixteen

I managed to finish off the entirely of my normal 375ml bottle and it knocked me out as usual. That was some binge last night; I still don't know how I managed to consume most of the bottle in 17 minutes or why.

I woke up today an hour early, again with some withdrawal symptoms. I could not fall asleep and have felt anxious all day. I pushed the snooze button for about a half an hour, and when I got up, I felt fairly normal for a standard evening's drinking. I have had a feeling of light anxiety all day and have not yet eaten, nor do I feel like it. My eating habits have been reduced to one large meal at the end of the day.

Rereading my continuously updated posting from last night has proven interesting as a window into my mindset when I've been drinking and how others may perceive me.

I have noticed that my overall appearance has been affected by the last two weeks, and I believe I have gained some weight. Functionality has once again become difficult, but I'm managing everything with some moderate effort.

I must admit that I've been looking forward to tonight's drinking session today.

Day Fifteen

This is how this blog is going to proceed, in real time with no edits.

I feel fine this morning, despite having woken up two hours early and then experiencing some disturbed sleep. I believe I'm still drinking at a level where mild withdrawal symptoms are showing up as the alcohol wears off. I have no other physical effects, however. I was surprised at how little I did end up drinking last night, leaving approximately 1/4 of my 375ml bottle untouched. My intake seemed slower than normal and the odd taste I experienced early on in this treatment seems to have returned.

------ I'm now going to separate my multiple entries for a day by an indicator like that, and a time stamp.

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1917
I have already consumed all of last night's amount at this point at 19:17. It went down quickly. I haven't eaten all day except for a Carl's Jr. Original Six Dollar Burger I was eating along with this drinking. The last bit went down quick. I don't know what's going to happen from here. Hold on. I might add info...

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1936
Yeah, walked down the docks. This hit me hard. Not good, ran into everyone I know. I did actually help a racing boat pull in. Not well, though. Shit, I'm in bad-ish shape. And it's early.

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1945
I'm wrecked. But I'm still lucid, so what am I going to do? And I don't feel so good... It's all localized in my head right now. Am I tired? Should I go to bed? Smoking a cigarette did NOT help. I need a minute to figure out what's going on. Maybe I should call someone who knows what I'm doing...

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1959
OK. My head's coming back to me at this point. I feel better, but still drunk. I'm beginning to feel rundown more than anything, but I don't want to go to bed early, because I cannot stand being up too early with nothing to do. Haven't had another drink since 1917's post.

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2021
The thought of having another drink just isn't appealing. I'm looking at it and I know I should want it, but I just don't. I took my Nal at 1800, and started drinking at 1900 and I have no idea how all of this has happened in just 90 minutes. I feel like very little time has passed and that drinking almost 300ml of vodka in that time should have almost incapacitated me, yet I do honestly feel nearly completely lucid at this point.

The feeling of drunkenness I had at 1936 has been significantly reduced. I'm not sure of the cause of that, but I'm presuming smoking a cigarette intensified the effect, as I tend not to smoke when I drink because it just makes me feel slightly ill and more buzzed. I'm inclined to say that episode and the resultant 20 minutes of feeling ill were due to smoking while walking down the dock.

NOTE TO SELF: QUIT SMOKING, IDIOT.

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2041
I'm looking at the bottle and considering another drink, but each time I reach for it, a mild "gag" happens, and I can't do it. I know I could force myself through that if I wanted to, and I'm about to try now to see what happens...

That was about the most forced thing I've ever done. It went down alright, but it was completely artificial. I think  I may end up finishing my normal 375ml bottle tonight, but why I'm completely lucid at this point having consumed what I would normally consume in 1/3 the time is beyond me. The first 3/4 of my usual night's imbibing happened in 17 minutes, and the rest has been at a rate of about one shot per hour (my math skills may be off). At this rate, I'll still be three hours early when I've consumed it all.

A 375ml bottle of vodka usually takes me to blackout in a night over three hours. This feels like the "honeymoon" period, but just with more intake.

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2158
Just went and talked with the neighbors on the next boat over for a while. I guess I felt that since I was feeling better I should go talk with them since I know they knew I was drunk earlier. I must explain these people are essentially my adoptive parents out here since my real parents are in the mid-west, and that's their self-proclaimed role (GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!). Kidding.

At this point, I think it's difficult for me to judge how drunk I am and how it appears to others. I'll be asking my neighbors tomorrow about visible effects and things like that when I've sobered up. I think that may be an important indication of how alcohol actually affects me. I have now real indication on the correlation at this time.

Days Twelve, Thirteen, and Fourteen

Days Twelve and Thirteen are run together in a drunken blur. This is behavior consistent with my pre-Sinclair Method drinking patterns. Day Nine's binge triggered a five-day bender wherein I consumed a 750 ml bottle of rum, a 375ml bottle of vodka and all the beer remaining from Day Nine. I haven't taken inventory yet on the exact numbers, but I estimate this bender consumed about 80 units. My normal weekly intake is estimated at 40% alcohol x 375ml x 8 = 120 units, so the levels of consumption are high, but still slightly below the average, I believe.

Day Fourteen


Hangovers on Naltrexone are more intense than without, and a general feeling of being tired and spacey is what I'm currently experiencing. I had some withdrawal symptoms this morning, and I'm finding myself a little shaky and I hear some wavering in my voice today. I had to quell some anxiety with a double dose of Neurontin this morning, as I felt an impending panic attack. I don't feel as bad as I think I should; I was able to taper off my consumption last night to try and avoid withdrawal. I still have a 24oz bottle of beer in my refrigerator that I didn't drink, so I'm seeing that as a positive sign.

I knew there would be experiences like this during treatment, but because in the end I will have a legitimate CURE for this problem, I'm willing to go through this.

Tonight I purchased my standard 375ml bottle of vodka. I drank maybe 3/4 of it, and slower than usual. Possibly a result of effects still apparent from this weekend's bender.

Day Eleven

I feel I'm still recovering from Day Nine today. My sleep last night was restless, likely as a result of the heavy drinking done on Thursday. My drinking pattern today is reflective of pre-Sinclair Method activity. I drank a beer soon after waking up, and I'm now 4 beers in. I have acquired my standard 375ml of vodka, as well. It's still early, so I'm not sure what is going to happen.

Thursday's binge has destroyed any plans I might have tried to put together for the weekend, I think. I'm not sure I can get my act together to do something on Sunday, but I feel today will see me back in my old behavior of mindlessly drinking and watching TV.

I have hope that this is temporary.

Days Nine and Ten

Day Nine

The "honeymoon" is really over as of today. I drank a considerable amount of very heavy beer all day Thursday and ended up blacking out late in the evening. I think it was right before I turned in for the night, so at least I wasn't out there walking around in it. This marks what I believe will be a temporary upswing in consumption that will last over the next 2-3 weeks, culminating in a steady decline over the 25 weeks or so that will follow.

This result is not unexpected, and it is a positive indication that this method will work for me, as it mirrors the consumption shown by those who have regained control using the Sinclair Method.

Day Ten

I slept in until about 4PM following Day Nine. This lack of functionality is more like what I'm used to when I'm drinking. I had two beers and the last 1/4 of my 375ml bottle of vodka to kill the hangover. Sadly, I couldn't wait an hour after taking my Naltrexone. I went to bed early because I was exhausted from the day prior.

Day Eight

Intake was approximately the same as on day seven, about 3/4 of a 375ml bottle of vodka and one beer. No blackout or grey-out, though. I spoke on the phone with a friend of mine for quite some time, and he said that he could hear my speech was slurred, but otherwise I seemed completely coherent and lucid.

When I'm approaching the 3/4 mark on these bottles, drinking further becomes much more difficult, when in the past, polishing off the whole thing was normal behavior, so I do see progress here. That last 1/4 seems to be the key to avoiding a blackout. This is something that I had never been aware of because of the speed with which I used to drink these small bottles. I'm drinking much more slowly and intelligently on Nal, and it is, for the first time, giving me the opportunity to feel out my limits without blowing past them into oblivion.

I feel tired this morning, but there is no hangover or headache.

Day Seven

I think the honeymoon may be over. I drank 3/4 of my usual 375ml bottle of vodka and had 1.5 beers. This was the first time I "drank through" the Naltrexone into a state of real intoxication. Still, there is progress here, as normally I would have polished off that 375ml bottle in one night. It did feel forced to drink that much. My memory is slightly fuzzy, so I would say that I had a "grey-out" and not a full on blackout. I did feel pretty good the next morning, but was definitely tired from not sleeping well after drinking so much.

Day Six

Still tired from taking the boat out on Sunday, I didn't have much energy for drinking. I had maybe three beers and went to bed early.

Day Five

I took the boat out again today starting early and didn't return until about 9:30PM. I had one shot of Vodka and one beer before calling it a night.

Day Four

After posting last night, I attempted to have some of the vodka I had here. I had two shots, but it felt so "forced" that I wasn't really interested in it. It tasted different, as well, which I thought was very strange. I finished off one beer and opened another, which is still full this morning. I went to bed last night because the thought of drinking more wasn't appealing and I was tired. There have been times where I have forced myself to stay awake to drink more.

This morning, I feel fine. I should be a wreck. My confidence in this program has skyrocketed because I'm seeing actual results. I know it's a long-term treatment that will take up to six months, but these early results are incredibly promising. I know I will end up with a permanent solution to my problem. This stuff is life changing.

UPDATE:

Later on today, I took Nal and had one beer with the neighbors around 2:00PM before taking my boat out. I had one at about 5:00PM before leaving and one at about 7:30PM while out on the water. When I got back, I one at about 10:30PM and another at about 12:30AM and called it a night. I didn't feel the need for any more than that, but that could be down to the fact that I was out on the water, and never drink much while I'm sailing so I can keep my wits about me.

Day Three

Back home. I took Nal at 1:30 this afternoon in anticipation of friends coming over to drink at about 3:00. It is 10:45 in the evening now and I have been continuously drinking ever since. I am entirely lucid at this point, where normally I would have probably been blacked out by now after 9 hours of straight drinking. I am coherent and thinking properly. I am aware I have been drinking, but my mind works.

My total consumption has been six beers and one margarita over that time. That's it. I can't believe it! I wasn't even keeping score until just now when I had to count the empties. I wasn't even pacing myself. How is that possible?

I just took another Nal because I have now been returned to my most dangerous environment for the first time in this treatment. My friends are gone and I am now alone and in the dark on my boat sitting in the exact spot where so many nights have gone by unremembered. This is my greatest test. I am now left unaccompanied and unaccountable for my actions.

I just opened another beer, but my interest in it is minimal. I'm sipping it. The 375ml of vodka I bought earlier? I don't even want it and it's sitting right here next to me. I am completely uninterested in the very thing that I relied so heavily on just one month ago.

This is one hell of a "honeymoon period," which is what I was told to expect early on in this method. I simply feel completely in control right now. This is so mind-blowing, I have no words for it. Today I was able to find a good level "buzz" and I maintained it without blowing right through it to a black out state. For the first time ever I got a glimpse of what "normal" people must be like.

I am simply amazed.

Days One and Two

Day One

I took my first dose last night before hanging out with my band after rehearsal. I had two beers, and I drank much more slowly than the guys in the band and much more slowly than usual. I had more than half a beer left when they were done. I don't really know what to attribute that to yet. It could be that we were talking quite a bit. I did want more afterward, though I'm not sure how much. I haven't had an opportunity to try this out on my own in the place where I normally drink to excess. This weekend will be the first time for that.

The forum thinks that this is a very positive sign.

Day Two

Alcohol free by necessity. I'm in a sober home until tomorrow and I have court early.

About Me

I'm a 31 year-old newly minted attorney, and my problems with drinking began about ten years ago in college, mostly limited to binge drinking on the weekends. However, blackouts were not uncommon. The pattern was similar to this for the next several years, but my drinking steadily increased. I began drinking alone at some point around my junior year in college. The amounts were unpredictable.

In law school, things began to get worse more quickly. I'd say about 90% of the time everything went well, even if I blacked out, but that other 10% always worried me. Again, I never knew how it would end up. I began going on benders about once every two months or so. I also discovered the morning drink and withdrawal symptoms.

Two years ago, during the summer between classes, I was drinking daily like it was my job. I'm pretty sure I drank all day every day for three months. I developed a system. 375ml of rum or vodka was just about perfect for an evening.

That was the system for a while until I started going on more frequent benders and it began to interfere with my life. I checked into rehab in January of this year to try to put a stop to what I saw was a losing battle. I made it four months clean, and have been on and off the wagon ever since. I've been through sober living houses and AA, and I'm not at the same level I was late last year, but it's also not under control. I'd say it's closer to 95% of the time things go fine now, but I still drink too much.

I've been skeptical of AA's approach for quite some time. The lack of success and the lack of science has always bothered me, along with some questions no one can answer convincingly:

1. Why is this the only mental illness that requires a "spiritual" remedy? Depression doesn't require this, it requires medication and counseling or other forms of treatment. If I'm depressed, will working "steps" fix me?

2. Why is this the only "allergy" that requires a "spiritual" remedy? Since I'm allergic to cats, is it because I'm spiritually bankrupt?

3. Why is AA the ONLY way to treat this "disease"? Depression, cancer, etc. have many different forms of treatment. Every disease has multiple forms of treatment.

TSM makes sense to me on a fundamental level. To paraphrase Dr. Sinclair: "There are no immoral lab rats." I now understand the science behind why AA doesn't work very well and why long-term AA members relapse and why they relapse so hard.

For me, if anything, it's science that will save my soul.

Introduction to this Blog and The Sinclair Method

This blog will track my experiences using a method of treatment for alcoholism and problem drinking known as The Sinclair Method or TSM.

I have a rocky history with alcohol that spans about 10 years, and have lost control of drinking. Whether or not I'm an alcoholic has actually been the subject of debate among those who have treated me, but the point is, it is uncontrollable at times. I will expand more in my "About Me" blog post.

The fundamental difference between TSM and most traditional treatment programs is that TSM requires that I drink as a part of recovery. However, I must only do so after taking a 50mg dose of Naltrexone one hour prior and only taking it if I'll be drinking.

In short, the rules are:
1. Take Naltrexone one hour prior to drinking and drink as I normally would.
2. I mustn't drink if I haven't taken Naltrexone or it has been less than one hour since my dosage.
3. I mustn't take Naltrexone unless I will be drinking.

Using this medication as above and drinking as I normally would in situations where I normally would will eventually result in a decrease in my craving for alcohol over time.

The Realistic Expectation: I have an 80% chance over the course of three to six months to return to drinking patterns that are "normal" and not problematic or alcoholic.

I intend for this blog to be as accurate a description of my experiences as possible, so there will be no editing and likely several posts made while highly intoxicated.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sinclair_Method is a good place to start for more information on The Sinclair Method with some very useful external links at the bottom.